Phyllis Diller – 20 Quotes

20 Quotes by Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

– Phyllis Diller

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

– Phyllis Diller

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

– Phyllis Diller

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

– Phyllis Diller

It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core.

– Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

– Phyllis Diller

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

– Phyllis Diller

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?

– Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

– Phyllis Diller

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

– Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

– Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

– Phyllis Diller

There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

– Phyllis Diller

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

– Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

– Phyllis Diller

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

– Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

– Phyllis Diller

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

– Phyllis Diller

The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

– Phyllis Diller

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.

– Phyllis Diller