Henny Youngman – 19 Quotes

19 Quotes by Henny Youngman

I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.

– Henny Youngman

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

– Henny Youngman

I know a man who doesn’t pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

– Henny Youngman

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

– Henny Youngman

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays.

– Henny Youngman

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad but New York City?

– Henny Youngman

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.

– Henny Youngman

If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

– Henny Youngman

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

– Henny Youngman

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

– Henny Youngman

What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.

– Henny Youngman

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.

– Henny Youngman

She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

– Henny Youngman

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

– Henny Youngman

When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

– Henny Youngman

I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.

– Henny Youngman

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

– Henny Youngman

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

– Henny Youngman

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.

– Henny Youngman