Groucho Marx – 32 Quotes

32 Quotes by Groucho Marx

Humor is reason gone mad.

– Groucho Marx

Women should be obscene and not heard.

– Groucho Marx

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

– Groucho Marx

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

– Groucho Marx

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

– Groucho Marx

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

– Groucho Marx

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

– Groucho Marx

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

– Groucho Marx

I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt.

– Groucho Marx

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

– Groucho Marx

Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows – marriage does.

– Groucho Marx

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

– Groucho Marx

She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.

– Groucho Marx

No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.

– Groucho Marx

All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.

– Groucho Marx

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

– Groucho Marx

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

– Groucho Marx

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

– Groucho Marx

It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

– Groucho Marx

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

– Groucho Marx

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

– Groucho Marx

I’m leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it’s not raining.

– Groucho Marx

I’m not feeling very well – I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

– Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

– Groucho Marx

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

– Groucho Marx

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

– Groucho Marx

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

– Groucho Marx

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.

– Groucho Marx

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

– Groucho Marx

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.

– Groucho Marx

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution – this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

– Groucho Marx

Well, Art is Art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.

– Groucho Marx