George Carlin – 24 Quotes

24 Quotes by George Carlin

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

– George Carlin

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

– George Carlin

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

– George Carlin

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

– George Carlin

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

– George Carlin

I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

– George Carlin

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

– George Carlin

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

– George Carlin

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

– George Carlin

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

– George Carlin

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

– George Carlin

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

– George Carlin

There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.

– George Carlin

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

– George Carlin

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

– George Carlin

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.

– George Carlin

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

– George Carlin

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

– George Carlin

Religion is just mind control.

– George Carlin

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.

– George Carlin

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.

– George Carlin

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.

– George Carlin

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

– George Carlin

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I’m sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

– George Carlin