Erma Bombeck – 44 Quotes

44 Quotes by Erma Bombeck

Children make your life important.

– Erma Bombeck

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

– Erma Bombeck

God created man, but I could do better.

– Erma Bombeck

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

– Erma Bombeck

Never order food in excess of your body weight.

– Erma Bombeck

A friend doesn’t go on a diet because you are fat.

– Erma Bombeck

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

– Erma Bombeck

Never have more children than you have car windows.

– Erma Bombeck

Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.

– Erma Bombeck

Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.

– Erma Bombeck

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

– Erma Bombeck

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

– Erma Bombeck

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.

– Erma Bombeck

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That’s why dreamers are lonely.

– Erma Bombeck

Don’t confuse fame with success. Madonna is one Helen Keller is the other.

– Erma Bombeck

I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

– Erma Bombeck

Sometimes I can’t figure designers out. It’s as if they flunked human anatomy.

– Erma Bombeck

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

– Erma Bombeck

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

– Erma Bombeck

There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.

– Erma Bombeck

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

– Erma Bombeck

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.

– Erma Bombeck

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

– Erma Bombeck

What’s with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

– Erma Bombeck

Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.

– Erma Bombeck

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

– Erma Bombeck

It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.

– Erma Bombeck

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

– Erma Bombeck

I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: ‘Checkout Time is 18 years.’

– Erma Bombeck

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It’s too controversial.

– Erma Bombeck

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

– Erma Bombeck

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

– Erma Bombeck

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You’re not out of it until the computer says you’re out of it.

– Erma Bombeck

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.

– Erma Bombeck

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.

– Erma Bombeck

I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.

– Erma Bombeck

Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.

– Erma Bombeck

I haven’t trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I’ve never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

– Erma Bombeck

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, ‘I used everything you gave me’.

– Erma Bombeck

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

– Erma Bombeck

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child’s name and how old he or she is.

– Erma Bombeck

Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I’m taking with me when I go.

– Erma Bombeck

I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.

– Erma Bombeck

For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it’s time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.

– Erma Bombeck