Woody Allen – 40 Quotes

40 Quotes by Woody Allen

I am two with nature.

– Woody Allen

Marriage is the death of hope.

– Woody Allen

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

– Woody Allen

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

– Woody Allen

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

– Woody Allen

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

– Woody Allen

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

– Woody Allen

Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.

– Woody Allen

To you I’m an atheist to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.

– Woody Allen

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

– Woody Allen

I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

– Woody Allen

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

– Woody Allen

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

– Woody Allen

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

– Woody Allen

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

– Woody Allen

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

– Woody Allen

If my films don’t show a profit, I know I’m doing something right.

– Woody Allen

Time is nature’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

– Woody Allen

I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

– Woody Allen

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

– Woody Allen

If my films make one more person miserable, I’ll feel I have done my job.

– Woody Allen

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

– Woody Allen

It is impossible to experience one’s death objectively and still carry a tune.

– Woody Allen

I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

– Woody Allen

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

– Woody Allen

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government.

– Woody Allen

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .

– Woody Allen

Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.

– Woody Allen

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

– Woody Allen

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

– Woody Allen

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

– Woody Allen

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

– Woody Allen

Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.

– Woody Allen

If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.

– Woody Allen

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

– Woody Allen

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

– Woody Allen

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

– Woody Allen

As the poet said, ‘Only God can make a tree,’ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

– Woody Allen

Right now it’s only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.

– Woody Allen

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

– Woody Allen